I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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