God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
