The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
