theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
