Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
