i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
God, I missed his penis.
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