i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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