omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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