Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
