The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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