sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
