i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
