p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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