you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
