when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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