The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize