That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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