I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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