he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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