I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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