No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
