i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
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