So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
