My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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