I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
