This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
