come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
