using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
