Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
