if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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