Me too!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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