genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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