I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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