Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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