I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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