obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
