so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
