Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
