Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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