i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
