you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
