one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
