And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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