thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
That's how pantless uber rides happen
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
