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Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
