it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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