I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
