How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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