She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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