y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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