I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
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He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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