Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
