I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
it was like eating out sand paper
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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