VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
