Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
