toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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